Saturday, May 22, 2010

MUWHAHA Dave stole the Blog


Rebecca keeps blogging on this thing talking about great gourmet this and saffron infused that... blah blah blah.  I am here to give you the real skinny on how we eat.  She probably doesn't want me to post these because the snooty Foodie Out of Water doesn't want you do know she secretly likes.... normal food.  Like just the other day I was about to be forced to eat at some new fangled hole-in-the-wall kitschy place.  When I turned the steering wheel at the last moment, where did we arrive but the Pizza Ranch in Tea.

The food was so great.  My first course was a bowl of chicken noodle soup.  It was divine; tasted exactly like George Webb's Nuclear Noodle.  Anyone who has craved a crappy delicious soup at 2:00 AM can appreciate that.  To accompany this great soup was a simple iceburg lettuce salad with lots of cheese, ranch and bacon bits.  I of course made it myself at the well stocked buffet.
I bet Foodie's don't like buffets but seriously what could be better then half day old lettuce with luke warm dressing covered in chemicalized bacon flavored pieces.  Of course the coupe de grace' was the mashed potatoes.  Clearly made from some highly scientific powder with milk added.  YUMMY you would be amazed at science's control over potatoes.  the gravy was some chicken-based flavored treat.  It really brought out the potato flavoring in the potato product.  My fine beverage was this concoction which was a soft serve root beer float.  I mean who wouldn't want that.

The establishments second course consisted of pepperoni pizza, cheese pizza, Cheesy Ranch Sticks, and some sauce that was really spicy that I think Pizza Ranch might have invented to accompany pizza.  Basically you sprinkle tiny drops of this little red stuff and it makes the pizza taste like God made it for you.  At first I was petrified to eat the cheese sticks.  I remembered the cheese sticks from high school that were so greesy you could oil your car with them.  Surely these couldn't live up to those high standards.  But I was afraid for nothing; the sticks clogged every artery I had with the same speed as my high school cheesy breads.

Although no waitress mentioned dessert, I still felt I owed it to you the audience to eat the food.  The course was an apple cobbler pizza covered in soft serve.They work very hard to keep the soft serve extra soft and servey here at the Ranch.  That dish was just over the top good.  You would never believe that pizza could be cobler and the milk could be almost like ice cream except with out all the flavor, texture, and cream.

In conclusion, Rebecca and I loved the Ranch so much we think we might have to recommend it to the Food Network for a Foodie Award.  Below is a picture of how much we enjoyed the food.


  1. You're looking really bald Dave. Work on that :)

  2. Have you ever thought of becoming the next Dan Rooney? LMAO